The MisAdventures of Captain Kuro!
by Baka Kitsune
Summary: Kuro's life is having a strange turn of events..What does Jango have to do with all this? What is in store for everyone's favourite jerk/Kitty-Wannabe?
1. Morning Madness

The Mis-Adventures of Captain Kuro  
  
Chapter One: Kuro's Morning Madness  
  
Captain Kuro lie in his cabin, fast asleep, curled up like the kitty he was, the waves of the sea slowly rocking the ship back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...  
  
Kuro's sharp eyes bolted open suddenly. "JANGO!!!!" he screamed, closing his eyes and clearing his head. "JAAAANGO!!!!!"  
  
Jango raced in..well, more like moonwalked in..in that special way of his, holding his hat on his head with a gloved hand. "Hai, Kuro-sama?" he asked to leader of the Kuroneko pirates.  
  
"Puke bucket, please.." choked the dark-haired captain, holding a hand over his mouth. Jango, with the speed of something...that moves...moderatly..fast...a stoat!..grabbed a crude-looking bucket and brought it over to his captain. Kuro proptly grabbed the bucket and proceeded to vomit -- although, it sounded much more like a cat coughing up a rather large hairball.  
  
"Arigatou, Jango.." muttered the captain when he finished, and shoved the bucket back to Jango. Jango promptly took the bucket back and tossed the contents out the window of the captain's quarters -- SOMEONE would mop it up..or slip in it. Either would be good.   
  
"You're welcome, captain Kuro-sama!" no sooner had the hypnotist said these words, when a massive, metal claw was pointed right to his throat -- Kuro had sat up, and put his gloves on.   
  
"Jango? WHAT have I told you about calling me that?" growled Kuro, glaring in Jango's direction.  
  
"Ano...Ano...To..stop?" Jango asked, hoping it was the right answer.  
  
"YES." hissed Kuro, moving his claw away from Jango's throat.   
  
Jango rubbed his throat and gave a quick sigh of relief. "Kuro-sama? May I call you that?"  
  
"Hai." responded the captain, searching for his spectacles -- which were sitting on his forehead.  
  
"Kuro-sama, why can we not call you captain? Every ship needs a captain, and you have the captain jacket.."  
  
"I don't want any of you calling me captain, because I hate you all and will kill you in your sleep." Kuro snarled, his glasses falling down to his nose. He pushed them up with the palm of his hand. Jango sniffled,  
  
"Oh Kuro-sama.." he said, awe in his voice. "I never knew you loved us all so much!!" and with that, he threw his arms around the captain's neck. Kuro shuddered and scowled at the hypnotist's display of affection,  
  
"DON'T touch me..it sickens me.."  
  
"But Captain! We had no idea we meant so much to you!!" cried Jango, giant tears flowing down his face in a comical way.  
  
"FUCK. OFF." shouted the very irate kitty-man. Jango took this (finally) as a sign to back off -- kitty doesn't like to be touched.  
  
Kuro sighed and pushed his glasses up with his palm again, "So, what's in the news today?" he asked, shrugging his captain's jacket higher up onto his shoulders.  
  
"Absolutly nothing sir!" the hypnotist stated, gleefully.  
  
"Nothing?" asked Kuro, raising a brow.  
  
"Noth-- oh, wait, SOMETHING!"  
  
"Something now? What KIND of something?"  
  
"A..special something!"  
  
"Jango.." growled the captain. "Stop beating around the bush."  
  
"Fullbody said he would be stopping by..."  
  
"FULLBODY??!!" screamed the insanly irate Kuro-sama. "WHY IS HE COMING HERE?!"  
  
"He..feels like it?"  
  
"FEELS LIKE IT??!!" screamed Kuro, his teeth now fangs and stress marks popping out all over his face. Jango began to cower in fear.   
  
"Sir, I can always--" began Jango, suddenly confused when Kuro leapt up and started rumaging though his laundry.   
  
"WHERE'S MY PANTS?!" he yelled, kicking blazers around. "WHERE ARE MY MAGIC SHOES?!"  
  
"Sir, they arn't magic. They simply let you dance around and teleport.."  
  
"I don't give a flying fuck! Where are they?!"  
  
"On your feet.."  
  
"And..My pants?"  
  
"You threw them out the window. You said you'd never need them again."  
  
"JANGO!!" Kuro yelled, smacking the other man on the head with his palm.   
  
"I'm serious sir!!" the hypnotist cried, "You said they were far too confining and hot!!"  
  
Kuro gave a great sigh. "Wonderful. Peachy. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck." he growled, stepping out of his cabin and onto the upper-deck, in a black shirt, his pirate-captain jacket, and a pair of plaid boxer shorts with little black kitties on them. He cleared his throat as Jango walked out to join him, confused by the matter.  
  
"Men! Starbucks..erm..STARBOARD bound! Find a port!" he yelled out to his crew.  
  
"Kuro-sama? Why?" asked Jango.  
  
"We..are going to buy PANTS!"  
  
~End Chapter 1~  
  
Author's Note:  
  
BK: Alright..that sucks..*sweatdrops* Gomen nasai, minna-san! This is my first attempt at a One Piece fic..  
  
I hate Captain Kuro in a way..his shoes bother me..Same with the whole thing with his glasses...yet, at the same time..I LOVE him more than anything and he rocks my socks......Okay, so I love his claws...*_* mmmmmm....sharp and pointy...  
  
*aherm*  
  
Anyways, I find this just plain stupid...Gomen...I'm rusty at writting fics...and this is my first attempt at anything One Piece (gods how I love it...)..and..well, I promise you the second chapter will be so much better!!! I mean, tit practically writes itself! Imagine -- Kuro and Jango, off to buy pants!  
  
If you have any suggestions I should write into it, go ahead and tell me..^^;;;;  
  
This is the Stupid Fox, signing ou -- Oooo!!!! A Chopper!!! *glomps and huggles the reindeer* ^__^ 


	2. Life's Pretty Straight Without PANTS

The Mis-Adventures of Captain Kuro!  
  
Chapter 2: Life's Pretty Straight Without Pants  
  
The Kuroneko pirates followed their captain's orders as quickly as possible -- pulling into the nearest port town they could find; and praying that they had a place where Kuro could get some pants 9as, they all knew, he'd most likely go nuts if he couldn't find some..).  
  
"Alright Kuro-sama, we're in a port. Let's go and...Kuro-sama?!?!" cried Jango, frantically looking about for the captain.  
  
"Whahaah!!! I am up here Jango!" called Kuro -- whom had staked himself out atop the kitty-head at the front of the ship. "And now, with my magic shoes..I will do my magic dance to bring me to the pants!!" and with that, he tripped..and fell...off the boat...onto the rock-hard ground...face first. Jango shrieked in horror -- sounding like a panicing child.  
  
"KURO-SAMA!!" he cried, jumping off the boat, and racing to his dear captain's side. He pulled the man up off the ground -- his face making that distinct sound you hear when you pull some road-kill off of a freshly-paved road. "Kuro-sama!! Speak to me!!"  
  
".......You'll...wonder where...the....yellow..went...when you brush...your teeth...with FIRE!!!" Kuro shouted, in a daze, complete with the swirly eyes.  
  
"Uhhhh....ok...ay..." said Jango, unsure what to think. Kuro then shook his head quickly to clear it.  
  
"JANGO!! YOU'RE TOUCHING ME AGAIN!!" he hissed.  
  
"Yipes!! GOMEN NASAI, KURO-SAMA!!" Jango shouted, pulling away from his captain. Kuro, whom wasn't exactally expecting Jango to pull away so quickly, fell and hit the back of his head off the ground.  
  
".....ow."  
  
After Jango had apologized profusely to Kuro for the whole ordeal earlier, the two men continued in, onwards into the town, in search of a pants shop.   
  
"Here's one.." said Jango, pointing to a shop. Kuro read the sign on the shop.  
  
"Pantaloons..?" he inquired, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Those ARE pants...arn't they?" asked Jango. Kuro slapped him upside the head.  
  
"I don't WANT Pantaloons you narrow-minded, moon-walking...coat...wearing...MAN..with your...HAT and your...GLOVES!!" Kuro shouted, "I just want my PANTS!"  
  
The two passed more shops -- "Short-Pants", "Bell-Bottoms", "Pedal Pushers", "Clam Diggers", "Slacks", "Trousers", "Jeans", "Britches", "Leggings", "Corduroys", "Knickers", "Jodhpurs", "Chaps", "Hot Pants", "Chinos, "Overalls"...Needless to say, Jango's hat had been swatted off many a time..  
  
"DUNGAREES?!!" screamed Kuro, a massive vein about to burst in his forehead. Jango cowered in fear, "DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I'D WEAR DUNGAR --" he stopped, and he looked over Jango's shoulder, his eyes suddenly glowing with happiness and tears, his mouth changing into that resemblant of a cute little kitten's...  
  
"PANTS"  
  
A sign that said pants. Just pants. No fancy-shmancy Dungarees for our kitty-boy! "Oh happy day!!! PANTS!!" cried Kuro, racing towards the shop. He was so happy, he smacked right into the door! Silly boy that Kuro is. "Ow you FUCKER!!" he screamed, attempting to tackle the door, before he realized, that this door was, in fact, a door and didn't exactally..umm...how would you put it..DIE?  
  
"Umm....Sir? That's a door.." said Jango, going over to his captain.  
  
"I KNOW that..I just want it to DIE!!!" Kuro hissed, kicking the door with his striped magical shoes. Jango gave a great sigh, a massive sweatdrop..and then just turned the knob and let Kuro in. "Buy some pants sir."  
  
With a great amount of fervor (yay, I learned a new word!), Kuro raced into the store. He was greeted by the wonderous sight of pants...Everywhere...Feel the pants..Love the pants...lick the pants...lick the pants...and that is just what he did. "Lick the pants..Lick the pants.." he said, as he licked the leg of a pair of black pants.  
  
"Stop licking the merchandise you psycho!!" yelled an angry clerk. Kuro looked over to the man, and then licked the pants again. "I TOLD YOU TO STOP LICKING MY MERCHANDISE!" the clerk roared.  
  
"Then start licking mine!" retorted Kuro, whom proceeded to grab the crotch of his boxers as he spoke.  
  
"GET OUT OF MY STORE!"  
  
"You get out of MY store!"  
  
"We'll take the one's he licked.." said Jango, hoping to ease the tension between the two. The clerk smiled happily to Jango,  
  
"Just take them..and your psychopath too."  
  
Now, I don't know about the badgers, but the chinchillas have the butter -- erm, I mean...I don't know about you, but Kuro never overly enjoyed being called a psychopath. Psycho was okay -- but he didn't like those extra four letters tacked on at the end of the word. He hissed at the clerk, and then ran him through with one of his claws. "NOBODY CALLS ME A PSYCHOPATH!! ESPECIALLY YOU, YOU FUCKER-ASS-GOAT-RAPE!!!" he screamed, as the man let out a painful cry and proceeded to die of blood loss as he was impalled upon the middle and index claws on one of Kuro's gloves. Jango just waited --  
  
"Ah..." he said to himself, "He'll sleep good tonight!"  
  
After Kuro finished off the clerk, he tossed a few pieces of gold onto the counter. "Thank you very much!" Kuro said to the man's cadaver with a smile and a kawaii piece sign, before heading out the door. "Come Jango! Get my pants!" he said. Jango quickly grabbed the pants and raced out after his captain,"Haaaai, Kuro-sama!!" he said, with a smile.  
  
Kuro and Jango soon reached the ship again. By the time Kuro managed to get into his pants, Fullbody had (somehow..) found them and proceeded to board. "Jango! What a pleasure it is to see you!" Fullbody said, with a clap of his hands.  
  
"Wonderful to see you too!" Jango replied.  
  
"Hello Fullbody!" said Kuro, cheerfully, "Get the hell off my ship."  
  
~The End~  
  
A Note From Baka Kitsune:  
  
I woke up at 6:30am after 2 hours of sleep(Damn BIRDS..). It is now 1:45am. It was not wise of me to write this at this time..For, you see, after lacking in sleep for several days, ANYTHING is funny at this hour..I laughed at the word "the" for christ's sake..  
  
(for those of you unfamiliar with that little face there, it's a BK head..see? The "" and "" are ears, "o" and "o" are eyes, the "/" and "\" are the snout, and the "." is the nose...get it? See? See? Hhheeee....THE!!!!!! ^\./^)  
  
This is Baka Kistune, signing out...*yaaaaawn*  
  
"I'll have plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead...or impersonating Zoro...which reminds me, I should do that pretty soon.." 


End file.
